Dilemma

What do you do when you feel pressured to be someone's friend or like someone out of obligation to someone else?

This question has been plaguing me for some time. I have two people who fall into this category. Two people that I am not fond of and would like to stop associating with. The reality of the situation is that it would cause a rift. One would be with my husband and his friend (and I would never want him to lose a friend over this) and the other would be with family.

I feel stuck between a rock and a hard place. Forced to try to be friends with people that I don't trust. What do you do in a situation like this?

Finances

I do the finances in our household. My husband works a lot and that's just what works out best for us. I keep him in the loop telling him what bills are paid when and how much they were and give him an update on our bank accounts often. It really is a lot of work.

It's no surprise that things are going to be a little tight this summer. I'm not working which means that we only have one source of income until late August. I'm hoping to draw as little as possible from our savings, but it seems to be inevitable at this point.

Money is something that seems sort of taboo when it comes to friends. I know that I get embarrassed to say that we "can't afford" something, but when it comes to having the latest and greatest or having savings to fall back on, it's a no-brainer. But, that doesn't make it any easier to tell someone that you can't afford to buy something from their home business or that you can't go to the movies because they are friggin expensive!

I'm trying to find balance with it all. My husband is a saver and I am, by nature, a spender. It makes me feel good to go out and buy something, especially when you get a great deal for it, but that's not always the best course of action. Fortunately, with me doing the finances, I know when to cut back and when it's ok to spend a little more. Right now, it's time to cut back.

My biggest areas of weakness are eating out and buying things for our home. I love to go out to eat. There are no dishes to clean up, the food tastes good, someone else waits on you, and I don't have to cook! The downside...cost and calories. As with buying things for our home, I feel the need to nest. It's a woman thing. Making our home look nice makes me feel good. We just rearranged the apartment and it makes me want to buy things to make it look better. No, these things aren't needed, but I want them.

Since it's time to cut back, I'm going to make an effort to not eat out as much and to not shop for things we don't need. This is going to be difficult, but it can be done and it will make my husband very happy.

What are your best suggestions for saving money? I already coupon and shop for sales. Any other suggestions?

Summer Projects

The great thing about teaching is being off for the summer. Of course, this means that I should probably keep busy and start some kind of project. There are a few things that I've been thinking of and I couldn't be more excited.

• Redecorating the apartment. We still aren't fully "settled" here so finishing the decorating portion of it would be fantastic and really make it feel more like home.
 
• Cross-stitching. I have a counted pattern that I've been working on and I can't wait to see the completed project. It's going to take a while, but the work is worth it.
 
• Keyboard? We picked up a keyboard for me to start learning how to play (again) and I'm hoping to put some time into it. I've never fully picked it up, but it's been an on and off again thing for years. Hopefully this will be a good summer to do that.

 

What are your summer plans?



Faker

I feel like a fraud.

I don't know how to manage my roles in life.

Wife. Seems simple, right? Wrong. I feel the constant need to take care of my house and my husband and that doesn't always work out so well. In the beginning of our marriage I completely enjoyed making his lunch and getting his coffee ready for the next day. Now, it feels more like a chore and he has been taking care of it for the longest time and it makes me feel awful. In addition to this, I have the hardest time keeping things picked up around the house. It doesn't help that my new physical limitations make it so that I'm supposed to stay off of my feet and rest my knee whenever I can. Great.

Teacher. I survived the first year! But, the truth is that I feel no more confident for the next year than I did for my first year. We have decided to change the curriculum and it makes me both excited and nervous all at the same time. I'm really hoping that my fears are relieved next year and that I will really find my niche in teaching.

Do you ever feel like a fraud? Like you have to pretend that you know what you are doing when you feel like yo have no clue? Please, someone rescue me!

Blessed

It's no lie that I've been going through a rough patch lately, but despite it all, my husband has been by my side 100%.He has been there when the crying won't seem to stop and when I feel like there's nothing more that I can do except for lie on the couch watching tv to drown out the horrible things I've been feeling.Throughout all of this, he has been so supportive and helpful. He even took off of work last week to talk to my doctor about how he can help me get through this. He has been such a blessing to me.

I have been presented with a great opportunity to go to Mexico for a week and nanny for a family that I used to work for. One of the boys that will be there was the little boy that I watched back in 2005-2007. He was, by far, my favorite. I now get the opportunity to watch him, his adorable little sister, and two friends of the family (whom I watched on a different Mexico trip in 2007). My husband has done everything possible to make this trip happen for me. He has made sure that I could get my passport renewed (with my new name) and expedited in time so that I could go on the trip because he knows how much this will mean to me.

He has also gone above and beyond what he should have to do at home just to make life easier for me. He packs up my laptop everyday for work, makes sure my car keys are on the table by my purse, puts the laundry away, does the dishes every night, and makes sure that we are spending time together when things get hectic.

He is amazing and I feel so blessed to have him in my life. I don't know what I've done to deserve him, but I thank God every day for my husband.

Can you tell I teach?

I had a *brief* meeting today with my principal and the middle/high school lead teacher about next year's English curriculum. We have decided to make a few changes in what the middle school grades are using for grammar and I couldn't be more excited!

We are meeting over the period of three weeks in June to discuss next year and I can honestly say I'm looking forward to it. In addition, I will have a Teacher's Guide for the 11th grade American Literature course! This year was difficult trying to teach the 10th grade class without it.

I am so glad to have this year under my belt and am really looking forward to preparing over the summer for next year.

Hard Decisions

I have a hard time saying "no" to people. So many times I find myself wanting please others by going out of my way to do whatever is needed or asked of me to do. Of course, this can be a good thing,  but sometimes, being a people-pleaser is not always the best thing.

I tend to take on too many responsibilities. For some reason I am the "go-to" person on many occasions. I'm guessing that this is because I don't know how to say "no"! The main problem is that once I say yes to something, I don't always enjoy doing it and sometimes realize that it is not the best fit for me.

I am working on being more upfront and honest with people and learning to say no in a way that people hear me and understand.

If you have any suggestions, let me know!

Taking it Back

Way back.


To the times of the Nintendo.

My husband picked up his old Nintendo from his parent's house last weekend and we've been reminiscing by playing all of the old games: Duck Hunt, Mario Bros. (the original), Mega-Man (his game), some weird bubble-game, and Mario 3.

We've really been bonding with the old games and how we used to play them when we were kids. We both loved our Nintendo games and have been having a lot of fun playing all of the games again as adults.It's funny to see how each of us reacts to the different levels and games. My husband is (of course) super calm and is way more subdued. I, on the other hand, get really freaked out at certain levels and will even scream if the ghost gets too close to me. Yes, it freaks me out and my husband laughs at me then wonders if the neighbors are going to call the cops.

I just love the extra time we have been spending together this week. It's been so good for both of us and has been so much fun!

Managing Priorities

 

Photo Source 

Every day I struggle with what to do. Should I do housework? What about all of the extra organizing that needs to be done? What should I make for dinner? Should I pick up one of my crafting hobbies and take some time for myself? What should I do?

It feels like no matter what, there are always things that need to be done. Laundry, dishes, vacuuming, cleaning the bathroom, kitchen, etc. But what needs to be done right now is what I struggle with. Of course I make sure that my apartment is clean and sanitary, but it is not always "picked up" if you know what I mean. 

My husband and I have a very difficult time with the concept of prioritizing. From the time he gets home from work until the time he goes to bed, he is pretty much busy with either his chores, getting things ready for work the next day, or getting ready to go to bed. He doesn't get a lot of down-time. This weekend it really hit us that even though I see him every day, we don't always get time to really spend together without distractions. 

That fact really bothered me us and it got me thinking of ways to make it so that we can spend more time together in the evenings when he gets home.

One of the things I have done over the past couple of days, is to make sure to get most of the dishes out of the way so that there aren't many left after dinner. This saves him time (even though I do an extra chore) and makes it easier to have some extra time that night. 

The one thing that we disagree on is how long it should take to get things done. For example, if I do the dishes, I can have them all washed in 20 minutes or less. My husband, on the other hand, will take upwards of 30-45 or more minutes to do the same amount of work. It seriously takes him 20 minutes at night to brush and floss his teeth...no joke. This, obviously, can be a bit draining when I'm ready and waiting to go to bed and he says, "Honey, I just have to brush my teeth really quickly. I'll be there soon." Ummm, not really, but ok. It also takes him three times longer to shower than I do. Seriously.

With this little problem, we have talked many times about time management and he is often asking for advice. Unfortunately, it hasn't really taken affect yet, but hopefully soon we'll get into a routine that works for both of us and allows us to get things done in a reasonable amount of time.

Today = Fail

Today has felt like a big fail in both my professional and personal life. I am having a terrible time with one of the other middle/high school teachers. Granted, there are only four of us total at our school so the fact that I only have to work with three and one is unwilling to do their part really sucks.

Example #1: My planning time is during homeroom. I have no students to account for and it's my time to get prepared for the day. Every.Single.Day this teacher allows their students to come into my room (which isn't really "my" room since I teach in every room, but it's where my desk is and is in that room). The students are loud, disruptive, and are using the internet for non-school related things. They are the responsibility of the homeroom teacher, but instead, they are in my room doing whatever they darn well please. 


Example #2: Each teacher takes a turn in the high school lab (where the students take courses via DVD) for one period during the day. The students are not to be playing games or on the internet and are only allowed to be doing school-related activities. This one teacher not only allows the students to play games and go on the internet, but actually encourages it by playing games WITH them. Oh, and sometimes this person leaves a few minutes before lunch and the kids are just left hanging out in the room by themselves.

Example #3: I have had a major problem with things coming up missing from my cart and desk for a few months now. I was informed to send an email to the other three teachers to have them make sure that the students are not left in that room unsupervised and to make sure that the students are not going in the desk without permission. Well, lo and behold last week and this week two students were sitting at my desk, in my chair with no teacher in there supervising. Seriously?

Basically, I'm tired of it. I sent out another email today asking the teachers not to send their students over during homeroom (again). And, I put a sign on my desk saying "No students are allowed to sit at this desk. Thank you." It's ridiculous that I would have to put a note there, but I can't handle my stuff being taken anymore.

As for my personal life, things are just crazy. Our apartment is in a constant state of clutter and our laundry card is missing. I have two loads that need to get done, but can't and my husband has no clue where it is either. On top of that, I went to open the windows in the bedroom and saw a huge wasp in between the window and screen...lovely. That's when I noticed that the screen is not the correct size and that there is a one inch gap at the top that allows bugs to get in there. Basically, I can't open the bedroom windows to get air in. Awesome.

Sorry for the rant, but I just can't handle this today. I'm exhausted and need a break, but there's too much to do. Help!

School

With only three weeks left of school, this week has been super crazy! Two of my classes are writing cross-curricular research papers and they will be due right before finals. I have completed all ten of the study guides that my students needed for the final and the rubric for the research paper is ready to go.

If it's one thing I've learned this week it's that teaching research papers is hard work! Since the projects are cross-curricular (meaning they write the paper for content in another subject and they get a grade in English for format, grammar, spelling, etc.) it makes it all the more difficult to coordinate.

One of the teachers I'm working with has been fantastic. I make the copies needed for what we're doing and she makes sure that the class is doing their work so they come to my class prepared. Unfortunately, it's not going as well with the other class. It's just been disorganized and the communication doesn't flow as freely. At this point, I'm really hoping we can get the papers written well and have it done and out of the way.

This year has been such a learning experience. I now have some great ideas for next year and will be adding another grade level to teach! I know that English isn't most people's favorite subjects, but I really enjoy teaching it. It's challenging and has a lot of fun activities that can be done with it.

Now, I can't wait for the summer! I'm planning to work on some things and to have some down time to relax and get things done around the house. Three weeks....only 3 more weeks...

What's Going On?

I've been feeling a little "under the weather" today. I've had a few dizzy spells and have been feeling a little nauseated this afternoon. I've also been a little more moody since this weekend and a little crampy. Normally I would say it's PMS, but I usually don't feel nauseated or dizzy. Oh ya, and I've been having more heartburn...hmmm.

I'm really trying not to jump to conclusions, but it's hard not to....What could this be?

Rant

I am so overwhelmed right now. There's only a few more weeks until the end of the year and it seems like the more I put in effort, the more that situations arise. The end of the year is obviously crazy anyways. Kids are tired of doing work and we are starting our last big project before finals...a research paper. On top of that, the study guides for the finals are due tomorrow and even though I teach three classes live, I get to do five study guides with a literature and grammar portion each....so that pretty much makes it more like ten.

I'm also being mentored now and it will continue through the summer. Hopefully this will be a big help for next year. The current thing we're working on...being more diplomatic. You know, it's when you are trying to say something and you have to say it in a way that will not offend anyone and still get your point across. Ya, that's a really hard one for me. I'm all about being direct and clear, but that's not going to work. I'm doing better with my emails to parents (although I have to think twice as hard on how to properly word it).


There's also a lot going on at home. I've been very up and down since Saturday afternoon so I'm not feeling too well. On top of that, the maintenance team is coming by tomorrow to inspect the heating/cooling system in everyone's apartment. Yep, we're going to have to pick up a few things here and there...and I think it's safe to say there is a fat chance that we're going to the gym tonight with all of the school work that still needs to be done.

I'm tired. Like, really tired and can't take a break. Maybe next week?

Identity

You grow up with your name for 26 years and in the course of one day, your last name is forever changed. I had gotten used to my maiden name, it's who I identified with. Before we got married I couldn't wait for the day that I would take my husband's last name. I remember wanting it so bad. Now that I have it, I'm finding it hard to identify with it. Luckily, I do answer to my new married name when my students say it, but I notice that sometimes I still write my old initials and have to redo paperwork.

I know it will happen in due time and I can't wait to be able to fully identify with my new name. I love my husband and I am so glad to have taken his last name. Now, I get to enjoy this new part of my life.

I Feel Good!

After not feeling well for so long, it's nice to be feeling good again. This feeling gives me the energy and motivation to get things done. I've been organizing more at school and home. It's starting to pay off and I couldn't be happier! 

I felt terrible for so long and thought that it wouldn't change. It's so great to be back to normal again. I can only hope that this will continue over time.

Silent Saturday

circa 2008...When we first started dating.

Sick

Today has been a little rough. I don't know if it was something I ate or the new medication I'm on, but something did not settle well. I've pretty much spent the day either sleeping in bed or on the couch. My husband has been so great about it. He gassed up the car when he got home and went and got me dinner so I would have something to eat.

I'm hoping to feel better tomorrow. I'm supposed to meet a friend's mom about a Bible study she's starting in June and I really don't want to miss it and tomorrow night is family dinner. See, I need to feel better by tomorrow morning!

Opening Up

My husband is a wonderful man. He is patient, kind, loving, and supportive. He is the one I go to with all of my issues throughout the day.

I am happy to report that my mornings have gotten increasingly better. However, my evenings have become increasingly difficult. Most afternoons, I feel very blah which leads to rough evenings. When my husband comes home we eat dinner, talk, and get ready for the next day. Usually I have a little down time while he finishes getting ready for bed.

The past couple of nights I've been super irritable or sad in the evenings. It's really getting to me. I feel so horrible that my husband gets the brunt end of the stick. Of course I apologize, but that doesn't fix the ongoing problem of having rough nights.

After months of having lots of irritability and moods, I saw a doctor. The doctor prescribed me something to hopefully help even things out. Part of me is happy to know that this might work and help me feel normal again, but part of me is embarrassed that I can not do this on my own. I've tried this on my own for years and it just isn't working. I've tried praying, exercising, getting a special lamp for the winter, taking up a mellow hobby, drowning myself in tv, but nothing has worked.

I need to do this because it's what's best for me and my husband. Sometimes the best thing to do is to get help when needed. I know that I need help because I just don't always feel right. My moods fluctuate a lot and it can be so draining.

So, right now I'm doing this to try to get me to feel normal and happy again on a more consistent basis. It's ok to need help and to accept it. Here's to the road of recovery and getting to the right place again...

What I'm Lovin' Wednesday

• Today is the LAST day of school before Spring Break!
• My co-worker is opening a pitt beef stand tonight and we're going there for dinner.
• I almost have one of the men done in my cross-stitching project.
• We have our wedding video in clips on the laptop.
• 5 days off!!!!!

Menu Plan Monday

I cook most days of the week. Instead of going home each day trying to figure something to make for dinner every day I started menu planning. It's super easy and I'm able to know what's for dinner every day during the week, which makes for easy grocery shopping each week! The meals are also interchangeable so if we're not feeling something one night, I'll swith it up with another night! One thing that is important to my husband is that we have a veggie with every dinner meal.

My menu for this week is:

Monday- Spaghetti with (turkey) meatballs and a salad

Tuesday- Poslka Keilbalsa with peppers and onions and biscuits

Wednesday: Meatball Subs with a salad

Thursday: Tater-tot casserole with green beans

Friday- Family dinner with the in-laws

Saturday- Leftovers

Usually we have plenty of leftovers during the week so my husband likes to pack the

leftovers for lunch. Let's just say I think some of the people in his office are a little jealous :)

What are your plans for dinner this week?

Recent Craftiness

This is the pillow cover I made! Isn't it adorable? I was looking for something to spruce up our apartment and have been in a bit of a crafty mood lately and decided to go to my neighborhood JoAnn fabric store and look around. Let me tell you, I was so excited to find this fabric...and it was 30% off! So, I picked it up with throw pillow covers in mind and headed home.

Once at home, I looked up a youtube video on "how to sew a pillow cover" and was on my way. I went to the guest room to get out all of my sewing things and began measuring, cutting, pinning, ironing, and sewing. The back of the pillow is envelope-style so that you can easily take it off and wash it when it gets dirty.

I have to be honest, this is a super easy craft to do. I only know the basics about sewing and was able to do this.

I am hoping that with my new-found energy I will be doing more fun projects at home to spruce up the place!

Thankful Thursdays

Today I am MOST thankful for...

• SAT testing at school! It's given me a little break from regular classes and I've been able to get a lot done.
• New pens. I got these today and the colors make for happy grading!

• My husband (of course). He went in to work late yesterday so that we could have some time in the morning to get ready for work together. So sweet.
• Sunny days. I like snow and all, but I'm definitely ready for spring!

Married Sex vs. Dating Sex

Most people would tend to agree that sex while dating is way different than sex while married. I'm sure we've all heard jokes about married sex that makes it seem less than appealing or like it's a rare commodity, but in my personal opinion I would have to disagree.

Married sex is SO much better than dating sex.

There, I've said it. The cat's out of the bag. Believe it or not, I enjoy sex being married more than sex before marriage. Unfortunately, I made mistakes in the past and that is where my prior experience comes from. I will say, however, that my husband and I waited until marriage to have sex with one another and it was one of the best decisions I have ever made.

Dating sex is all about passion, romance, and not getting caught. It's about what feels good right now and not waiting for the reward. It's about lust, not love. Sure, it's fun and can make you feel closer to the person because it's intimate, but it just doesn't have the same sense of fulfillment as married sex.

Married sex, on the other hand, is about love, respect, and commitment. It's about waiting until the right time and developing a deeper relationship with that person and knowing who you are and who they are in return. It's about trust and knowing that no matter what they are going to be there for you and stick around. And because that is the foundation, married sex is amazing!

Sex after marriage opens up a whole new window of possibilities. You don't have to worry about what to do if you get pregnant and you don't have to worry about any STD/STIs. Because you both love and respect one another, sex is much more fulfilling on a deeper level. The emotional and physical bond that is shared far outweighs the fleeting feelings of passion with dating sex.

Married sex isn't and doesn't have to be boring at all! I'm not saying that it's not passionate, but the "thrill" of getting caught plays into dating sex. Married sex is way more comfortable and you don't have to run off to find a place to have sex every time and hope that you don't get into trouble. Married sex opens both of you up and allows for better communication and intimacy.

Even though sex while dating can be fun, it's a cheap thrill and does not even compare to the fulfillment I've found with my husband. Married sex has so many benefits and can really strengthen your relationship.

Story Behind the Picture

Yes, that is me on stage dancing with a skinny, old Jamaican man on our honeymoon. No, he is not groping me (despite the fact that it totally looks like he is).

Our honeymoon was filled with lots of love, food, sleeping, shows, and fun. We had a great time in Jamaica and were very blessed to be able to go there. During the day, the resort was filled with a lot of lounging around by the pool, going on excursions, or engaging in some sort of water activity they had to do. Or, if you're like us, staying out of the heat and humidity because, honestly, my body just can not handle it!

At night the resort takes on a whole new level of awesomeness. Late night dinners were often followed by shows to watch. Some of them are guest-centered (like live gameshows) while others are where the professionals entertain. The picture above is from the cultural show where they explained a little bit about the history of Jamaica through song and dance.

Obviously, it got to a point where the little old man you see came out into the audience to pick someone to "join" them on stage. Crazy, I know. The first time he came out, he picked a man that sat behind us. My husband and I were so glad that he didn't pick him because my husband seriously has NO rhythm! Once the man was finished dancing on the stage, the little old man came up, grabbed my hand, and led me on stage to dance with him! It was definitely a little crazy.

Next thing you know, I'm up there shaking my booty and people are cheering like crazy! My husband managed to get out his camera and take this picture before it ended. He had a short video clip, but it doesn't show much of the dancing since it was too late at that point.

So, that's the story behind the picture...a little crazy, right?!

Finding Balance

After realizing how great I felt this weekend, I decided to do some "digging around" to see if I could figure out why. What I came up with is a little shocking to me. This weekend there was no tv and I checked my email/facebook once. I played one round of the Michael Jackson Experience on the Wii, but that was it for the tv.

When I came home I decided that I would try out a new theory. I started to limit my tv/internet usage. I haven't watched anything in the past two days, but I have still gone on the internet. What I've noticed was that not only was there more time to get things done, but I also had an increasing amount of energy as well. I still go on the internet multiple times a day, but instead of going on and surfing idly for long periods of time, I only go on for maybe 5-10 minutes at a time (unless there's a lot of blogs to read). I'm trying to replace my old bad habit of tuning out the world and lounging around all day with a new habit filled with more time, energy, productivity, and overall happiness.

Prior to limiting my internet/tv time, my moods would seem to vary greatly. I would get more depressed, irritable, and moody the longer I was plugged-in. It was awful. The past few days I've felt happier, more productive, and less moody/irritable.

Of course, the internet and tv are still great for entertaining myself, but for now I think I'm going to stick with it in moderation.

Accomplished

With so many things around me that need to get done, I can't help but to think of how fortunate I am. With the rejuvenation from the weekend, I find myself with so much more energy and so much more productive. It's odd, really, because for weeks my body was achy and tired and there was nothing you could do to get me off of the couch. Despite the fact that this week should have me curled up on the couch eating mass amounts of chocolate (yes, it's that time, ladies), I feel like I would rather drink some water and...wait for it...go to the gym tonight. *I swear I just heard screeching in my head* 

And you know what? I like this feeling. I actually LIKE being productive and making a stop on the way to work to drop off the mail. I like having the energy to go to the grocery store after the long dentist appointment this afternoon and managing to put the groceries away right when I unloaded them from the car. Wait! Stop the presses--I actually unloaded the groceries and didn't wait for my husband to get home! After my half an hour "power nap" I even got up, took the old sheets off of the bed, vacuumed the bed (allergies), put the new sheets on, switched the comforter to our "lighter one" for spring/summer, and folded and put the fall/winter comforter in the bag.

I seriously can not wait for my husband to get home so he can see how much has been done. I still have dinner to prepare and I want to get some more cleaning/organizing done before he gets home. I'm torn between dusting, putting the dishes away, and organizing the bedroom....

Rejuvenation

This weekend we took a (much needed) trip down to Virginia to celebrate a good friend of mine's upcoming wedding. It was a weekend filled with lots of fun, friends, laughter, and (of course) my husband. The bridal shower was beautiful and filled with many women surrounding the bride-to-be.

The one thing I'm learning to love about going to Virginia and staying at my friend's house is that she is not at all dependent on the internet or tv. In fact, she doesn't use her tv, pretty much at all, and rarely uses the internet. When we go there, we have a lot of time to talk, hang out, and run the occasional errand. My husband gets some time to himself (which he loves) and I get some time with my friend (which I love).

The drive home was perfect. It was sunny and in the upper 60's. I was able to drive the whole way home with the windows down while playing music or talking with my husband when he wasn't sleeping.

This weekend gave me just what I've been needing most. Rejuvenation.

Letting Go

Today is a good day for me. This is especially great because I've had a lot of rough days recently and have started falling into a depression. Waking up feeling great was so wonderful. I feel like I am seeing the world (and things plaguing me) in a whole new light.

I've written before a little bit about how hurt and frustrated I was with my sister. I have, since learned to deal with it and with lots of prayer and support have decided to move on and let it no longer control me. The decision to let go was not easy and with that comes another difficult decision--to take a step back from our relationship. By taking a step back I am allowing myself to heal and not to worry about hurtful things. It allows her time to grow, mature, and hopefully renew her faith in the Lord. It allows healing to happen from both ends so that one day I will be able to trust her and will see all of the positive things in her life and will get to be apart of that.

Letting go is not always easy, but it is sometimes the best thing. My dad did this for me a long time ago. He was still there for me, but did not allow me (in my crazy-emotional state) to affect his day. Our relationship was tough and, at the time, I did not understand. I felt hurt and abandoned for years, but God finally broke me down and showed me the right way to live and helped me to understand that he was doing what was best for not only him, but my family, and myself. My relationship with my dad is at such a good point right now and it's because I've turned my life around and was not enabled by him.

I am hoping that the same thing will happen for my sister. That she will know that I still love her and am still here for her, but that she needs to grow and make good choices in her life to be able to have the kind of relationship we all want with her.

I am so thankful for the support I've had through all of the bad and selfish decisions I've made in my life. I am now stronger and have a new faith because of it. Now, it's time for me to let go and know that in the end, it will all work out.

Changes

Getting married means many changes. I never realized this prior to the nuptials, but here we are and the changes continue to grow.

My husband and I didn't live together before we were married, we waited to have sex, and our bank accounts were kept separately (until right before the wedding). We had our own routines and would see each other often. He paid his bills and I paid ours. We did laundry for free at his parent's house and his mom made dinner every night.

Once we got married, all of those things changed. The honeymoon was a way for us to "get to know each other" away from what was to be our new life together at home. It was great and we had such a great time. The weekend after we came back my sister, Michelle, stayed with us for a week, pushing back the inevitable. Then, reality set in.

Bills needed to be paid, we were going to be living together, our routines needed to blend, we would have to now pay to do our laundry, and I would have to make dinner every night. Oh my!

Being married has meant a whole new way of living. Sometimes it can be overwhelming with dishes, laundry, and a messy apartment, but the security, comfort, and love from my husband makes it all worth it.

I never thought that being married would mean so many changes and to be honest, I didn't exactly adjust well to all of it. I got overwhelmed with all of the phone calls that had to be made to "switch everything over." While my husband works full-time to support us, it allows me to work part-time and I feel like I should be able to be superwoman and when I can't, it hits me hard. Of course, no one is perfect, but it still feels like I should be able to do more, to be a better wife, teacher, and person.

Being married also has brought a number of wonderful changes. I get to see my husband every night. I get to have dinner with him, create memories, and to go to bed sleeping next to him at the end of the day. Those things mean more to me than any of the overwhelming things that may come.

Change is hard, but can be wonderful all at the same time. I'm working on it one day at a time, trying my best to focus on the positive things that we have.

Update

Today was an emotionally draining day. I fell this morning and landed on my knee and bad wrist, twisting my back in the process. My back is better now, but my knee is a little swollen and my wrist still hurts (of course).

I went to the doctor today to follow-up with my wrist pain. The car accident was over a year ago and the pain just seems to get worse over time. We discussed our options and we are trying me on an oral cortisone medication to try to decrease the inflammation and avoid surgery. I get to go back in a month and we'll see how it's doing at that point.

And yes, I got an oral medication because I'm a huge baby when it comes to shots and I couldn't handle getting an injection into my wrist.

Even though today has been trying emotionally, I am so thankful to have the love and support of my husband. He has been by my side all afternoon to go to my doctor's appointment, sign up at the gym so we can start going together, putting clothes away, and making dinner for us. I am so grateful for him and am so fortunate to be his wife.

When the Good Really Does Outweigh the Bad

In every relationship there are ups and downs, highs and lows--simply put there are good and bad times. In order to continue a relationship the good needs to outweigh the bad. Of course, that is different for every person. For some people it's the gifts that are considered good, for others, it's their actions, and for even some it's all about the words that are exchanged.

My husband and I have been married for just over a month. We met on the internet in April 2008 and began getting to know one another via AIM chat, email, and many long phone conversations. We started dating early that June and got engaged 2 years later. Throughout that time frame there were many good and bad times. We endured a long distance relationship for the first 6 months before I moved up closer to him. We had fights about finances, jobs, different time frames we had for marriage, etc., but one thing always remained the same--we loved each other.

Our love (with God's help) surpassed all of the difficult times we had. He never once raised his voice at me and we were never volitale towards one another. Not every time we argued was comfortable, but screaming, cussing, and throwing things was NOT an option. We promised to love one another and respect each other.

After an argument he never got me an extravagant gift or flowers, but I knew by his actions (and words) that he always loved me. By the way, you should know that my husband is by no means a "sweet talker" and only says what he means in all honesty whether or not you want to hear what he has to say with the best of intentions.

Throughout the duration of our relationship, the good has always outweighed the bad and for that, I am so thankful.

Mornings

I am not a morning person.

There, I've said it. If there is any way that I would have to wake up before 9am, don't count on me to be happy about it.

I've tried to change this in many ways...music, sleeping a little later, getting up a little earlier, waking up earlier, stretching, taking a shower, praying...you name it, I've probably tried it. No matter what I seem to do, I constantly feel agitated and cranky.

Take this morning, for example. I woke up (sick) and the first thing that happens upon getting out of bed? I trip and almost smash my face into the corner of our dresser. Nice. Then, upon going back into the bedroom, I almost stub my toe on the ottoman at the foot of the bed. And, to top it all off, when I was driving to work my breakfast slid off of the seat and down in between the passenger seat and door. Lovely. I managed to salvage it, but mornings are clearly not my friends.

Please, someone tell me that you are not a morning person either?!

Resolutions

Last night I had a nice, long conversation with my sister. I decided it was time to open up and tell her how I feel about our relationship. I told her that I missed her being my sister and that it is hard to relate to my family in California and to trust her after all she has done to hurt me. Her response was priceless--"But, doesn't the good outweigh the bad?" she asked in all sincerity. The truth is that there hasn't been much good lately. There's not nearly enough to cover the hurt I've endured. We're different people now more than ever and it's a harsh reality. It was still nice to be able to talk to her and figure out how I feel about it and where to go from this point on.

Moving Past the Hum-Drum

Yesterday's post was a little bumming and that's how I felt. I've been dealing with a lot lately and sometimes it's hard to manage my emotions.

Despite all of these things, I still maintain that there are so many great things happening in my life. I still have my faith in God and know that He is always with me. My husband is a great man who is so supportive and loving no matter what. I have a great job with wonderful coworkers. I have food, shelter, clothes (some that don't fit anymore), and amazing friends.

I know that it is all about perspective, but sometimes it's hard to look past everything going on to see all of the good we have. I'm working on this slowly, but surely. Let me know if you have any tips.

Feelings...

Anger. Hurt Frustration. Confusion.  These are the feelings that have been plaguing me.

I am angry and hurt that my sister doesn't act like my sister. I tried to go out of my way to help her, be there for her, and she turns around and says some horrible things behind my back.

I am frustrated that no matter what, it feels like I could have done better. I know this is something that many people struggle with, but it's hitting me hard right now.

I'm confused at why I feel so defeated. I'm exhausted every day and want nothing more than to numb myself with the tv. I'm also confused and frustrated that my wrist still hurts from the car accident over a year ago. In fact, it has gotten worse since the last time I saw the doctor last summer. It sucks.

Despite all of these things, I still have an amazing husband who is loving and supportive and at the end of the day, he makes me feel so much better.

My Husband Says the Darndest Things

Every Thursday night we have dinner with one of our married-couple friends. We alternate between whose house we go to and generally have so much fun. The conversation is always hilarious and after dinner we usually get some time to talk wives together and husbands together.

Last night was no exception. We were having dinner and the conversation was flowing, as usual, when my husband says something totally unexpected...

"I bought the cow, now I get the milk...." and he paused just in time for me to say...
"Oh, so I'm a cow...and you bought me? So, that's how it is?"

This is where we all started laughing. It was just so funny! My husband has a tendency to put his foot in his mouth. All night long we were joking about me being his cow and I would "moo" for him.

For some reason this sort of thing happens when we are with friends. He tends to say something as a joke and it totally comes out wrong. It definitely leads to a great laugh and a funny memory!

What does your husband do that makes you laugh?

*For the record my husband does NOT think I am a cow or that I am his property. He was just trying to say something funny and since we waiting until we were married, marriage would be the "price paid" to get the "milk"

On Getting Caught Up

I am so behind. I'm behind at work and I'm behind at home. There aren't enough hours in the day for me to fully catch up and even if there were, I don't have enough energy. I used to be able to give my classes "busy work" and get some grading done, but with the honeymoon, assigning a research paper to one class, and preparing to start reading novels, it just isn't happening that way anymore. I don't want to bring work home because things there aren't much better. Until just yesterday, we had baskets full of laundry that needed to be washed. The kitchen has dishes in the sink (we do them daily though) and the living room/dining room...let's not even go there.

Yesterday I decided to take matters into my own hands. We had done 5 loads of laundry at the laundromat Sunday, but still had more at home so I ventured to the laundry facilities at my apartment complex and did 5 more loads! I did most of them myself, but my husband is wonderful and helped to switch and carry some of the loads once he got home. I managed to fold/hang about half of it and plan to finish it today.

I have decided to make small, attainable goals for each day until we are caught up. Today's goals are to finish putting away the laundry, empty the dishwasher, and vacuum the apartment. Anything more than that is just icing on the cake! Of course, I still need to make dinner and get my husbands coffee and lunch ready for tomorrow, but those things only take a few minutes.

I'm really not sure how long it will take until I am completely caught up, but if I can do a little bit every day, I will eventually get there.

Budgeting

Getting married and following a budget is not always easy. Setting up the budget is easy, but following it is a whole different story.

Our budget consists of every bill we have to pay, an allotted amount for groceries, gas, insurance, and the rest goes towards savings. Or, that's how it's supposed to work. Since the wedding, things have just managed to come up. The crown that broke the week before the wedding is going to cost us $540.

We are being very conscious with our decisions regarding money. It's all about priorities. We want to save up for a house and have a nice "nest egg" for when we are ready to have children, so that means making changes.

My husband is a bit more frugal than I am. He is all about saving money and not spending unless there is a good reason for it. I agree with him, but to be completely honest, this is something that I struggle with. I love getting something cute every now and then or picking up something to eat on the way to work, but all of those little expenses add up.

I used to pick up breakfast on the way to work at least three times a week. Not only does that add up, but it isn't the healthiest option for anyone. In light of our budget and expenses, I have decided to not eat any fast food for a month. Sure, it will be difficult and already has been, but it's worth it.

I love my husband and at the end of the day the decisions we make with our finances affect our relationship. Being conscious about our finances and making good decisions allows us to be comfortable and gives us more security.

Blond Moments from the Mr.

My husband really is a smart man, but sometimes he has his blonde moments. Take tonight, for example. We were talking about how "wonderfully" my sister and I were singing on the way home from the outlets. In fact, we were busting out our best renditions of Taylor Swift and adding our own special "flare" to the songs. It was awful, but we had a lot of fun! Here's how the conversation went...

Me: Honey, Michelle and I really did a great job singing in the car. You should have heard it. Maybe next time you could join in with us.
Him: That's ok. I wouldn't want to ruin your beautiful, high singing voices.
Me: Maybe we should have registered for a karaoke machine. That would have been fun!
Him: I don't think that's a good idea.
Me: Why not?
Him: Well, I didn't do too well with the whole DDR (Dance Dance Revolution) thing.
Me: What does that have to do with karaoke?
Him: Well, if the dancing didn't work out so well, I don't think that dancing and singing would be a good idea.
Me: You do know that you don't have to dance when you do karaoke...it's just singing.
Him: Ya, but I was just trying to get out of it.
Me: Um...you do know I write a blog right? Hahahaha

Proof that my husband is awesome.

Microwave or Crockpot?

If you have ever heard the phrase Men are like microwaves and women are like crockpots you would know how true that statement is. Today, after devotions, some of the teachers and I were talking about this subject.

For men, sex is physical. They just need to know when and where and it can happen. Women, on the other hand, need more mental stimulation to get in the mood. If my husband tells me that he wants to go to the bedroom for some alone time and I'm in the middle of something, it is much more difficult for me to shut off my mind and race to the bedroom ready to go.

This is something that women struggle with daily. It is not always easy to shut off what is going through your head and who really wants to have sex when they are thinking about what chores need to be done, what's for dinner, what bills need to be paid, etc. Unfortunately, this is how women are wired and how we function.

I have noticed that if my husband is in the mood and I want to finish up a show first, it is best for me to stop what I'm doing and meet his needs. This has been a little more difficult this week with my sister staying with us and last night I totally failed at it. When I stop what I'm doing and go with my husband not only is he fulfilled, but I am as well! Just like he needs sex to meet his needs, I need sex to meet my needs too. So, even though it may be difficult for me to stop watching a show or to get off of the internet, it benefits us both to be intimate with one another and that is way more important.

Even though my husband may be like a microwave and I may be like a crockpot, the intimacy of sex in marriage is too important to pass up. There will be times where I am too tired or not in the mood and that's ok, but we need to make sure that our priority is always to meet our spouse's needs and that is what we strive for every day.

Marriage at it's finest

Marriage has it's easy times and it's difficult times. Luckily, being married only two weeks, we find it to be easier right now. This is one of the easiest times we've had in our relationship and I love it. With the honeymoon phase in full effect, it is so much easier to love one another and forgive. Sex every night is great and we both want to do it. I look for ways to serve my husband daily and he goes out of his way for me too. I enjoy making his lunch, cooking dinner, and preparing his coffee for the next day.

I love this stage of marriage. It's new and when you or your spouse does something irritating, it's easier to laugh it off or forgive.

Take this morning for example.

My husband has a long commute. He gets up at 4:10am. I don't have to get up until 6:45am. Every night I get his coffee ready and set the delay brew function to go off when he's getting ready for work. When the coffee is ready, he pours it in his travel mug, shuts it off, and puts the dishes by the sink.

I need to preface this and let you know that I am generally not a morning person. So, when my husband called me literally the second I stood up out of bed, it did not go well. The sound of the ringing from my phone right after the alarm going off really rattled me. He called to ask if I would check to make sure the coffee maker was turned off totally not knowing that it has an auto shut-off feature. The loud ringing of the phone made me jumpy. All morning I was dropping things and got very frustrated. When I called my husband on the way to work I was less than kind. I blamed him for ruining my morning in a sense. I was upset and I took it out on him.

Of course, by the time we got off of the phone I was crying and apologizing for my reaction. He accepted my apology and we were able to both move on in a positive way. It wasn't anything big, but could have turned into something huge if we weren't careful. I love my husband and I strive to show him every day.

Every day has its opportunities to show love and respect. Some days are easier and some days are harder, but we always need to focus on why we love them and why we married them and put things in perspective.